Time

by Jane Miller

Does anybody really know what time it is? …. If so I can’t imagine why we’ve all got time enough to cry. — Chicago

I don’t want to spend the last of my days waiting. That would be insane, and I’m not crazy. — Erik 

It’s early. — Jane

Darkness brings its own awareness of time. There are tasks to complete, rituals to perform … But none of that exists in the dark. No limits. No pressures. No expectations. Nothing except potential.

When I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, I boldly declared that I would not be defined by the disease or the effects of time. With that, I gave myself permission to live a life I never dreamed of before. I wrote it all down in the unlikely event that it could help someone else with their journey through time.

I’m still writing it down.

I fell in love. “Jumped” is a better word, really.

I faced fear. That needs present tense – I am facing fear. Every day.

I learned about myself, my people, and my beliefs. Present tense again – I am learning and changing and growing in ways large and small.

I’ve learned we are all in this together. The energy, the breath of the universe, courses through us all, from the soil to the heavens. Only visible to the few who look for it with eyes closed, who listen for it without chasing, wei wu wei.

I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason.” Nothing happens for a reason. There may be a cause, or a correlation, but “reasons” are weak attempts to explain the unexplainable. God loves the predator and prey alike and equally.

I have idiopathic, young-onset Parkinson’s Disease. Why?

I fell and crushed my face, exploded my eye. Why?

I have developed an incredibly serious condition that could easily and quickly leave me blind. Why?

“Why” has no meaning beyond cause and effect. The What matters. The How counts.

How do I react? How do I treat myself and others? How do I live my life?

I choose to be positive, to smile, to love, laugh, and chat. I choose to use time how I want. To spend it with people I love, people who make my heart happy. I choose to take deep breaths. Hug. Listen.

These choices are easy to make, but difficult to do, Sometimes I run out of energy before I run out of choices. And every day I have to choose all over again. But every day I do. I have to.

Because while I am not defined by my limitations, I am impacted by them. I just refuse to use my time arguing for them.

I have a life to live and limited time to live it.

2 thoughts on “Time”

  1. I am blown away by your ability to vocalize what you are experiencing and ability to put it in perspective. Not enough words to convey the respect I have for you.

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